Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
