If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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