I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I party with great urgency now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
