he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize