I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
