Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
