Already got asked if we're dating
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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