Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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