Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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