im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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