i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
