I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
