You just made me feel so damn special
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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