I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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