i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
