So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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