im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
