did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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