:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
