I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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