Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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