i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
