i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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