yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
