Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
