she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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