Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
