that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
