Midget sex pt 2 tonight
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
