the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
