i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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