sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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