I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
