I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
