Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
