it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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