Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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