So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
