exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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