Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
