R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
