my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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