you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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