dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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