I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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