Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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