Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
