i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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