News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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