why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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