it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
