I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
