I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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