I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
