thus making me awesome and them whores
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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