Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
