i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
