my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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