Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize