last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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