He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
