the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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